I am very sorry about the death of your child. When my son died, I remember thinking there are no words to describe the myriad of powerful feelings. I have also learned that there are no words I can share to take the pain away or give meaning to your sense of loss. The truth is, the future will be forever different and your grief … well…will be with you forever, though I believe eventually you’ll learn to live with it. And you will learn to go on living.

What advice do I have? First attend to your grief. Someone wrote, “The pain that is unavailable cannot be healed.” After my initial outpouring of grief, I felt I needed to be strong for my wife. I buried my son in the ground and buried myself in busy-ness. I discovered much later that my wife concluded I didn’t really care about my son. I did not listen to the chaplain’s advice. He said “Who said you have to be strong to be supportive? Go have a good cry on each other’s shoulder.”

I discovered that grief is one of those “pay me now or pay me later” realities. Let the tears flow. Seek a healthy outlet for your anger. Share your feelings of guilt. Give your sense of helplessness and depression time and space.

Mothers and fathers grieve differently. Her grief is not better or worse, just different. Her coping style is different. Be patient with her and yourself. Grief is a roller coaster of emotions. You will not ride the ups and downs at the same time. You cannot take her grief away, but you can share it. You cannot prevent her from suffering, but you can prevent her from suffering for the wrong reasons. Be a loving listener. Share your feelings. Hold each other tenderly and often.

Men often have trouble reaching out for support. Certainly many have trouble offering support to men. I got so tired of hearing, “How’s your wife doing?” I rarely heard “How are you doing?” I cannot stress how important I believe it is for you to find and use one or more support persons. No one can do your grieving for you; no one grieves well alone! I urge both of you to join a bereaved parent support group. Consider reading – together – a book about grief.

You child has died. Your dreams and memories will never die. Death demands that you let go, though that is no easy process. Letting go is not forgetting. Letting go is ultimately forgiving this tragedy, experiencing acceptance along with sadness and having the courage to risk living and loving again. I wish you a healthy journey through your grief – from another bereaved father.